Life has a funny way of getting our attention. You can be cruising along when suddenly the carpet gets yanked from under your feet. You think to yourself- okay- this is it- I am down- it can’t get worse. But then it manages to do just that.
This week I reached my limit in what I can handle. I had started to think I was “getting better”. But yet again- I was reminded just how little control I have (none).
My heart rate has become increasingly erratic to the point that While loading the dishwasher it went from 55 to 206 then back down to 42. Later when I tried to lift a pan with water I had intense chest pain and ended up once again having to make a trip to the ER. Living alone- I don’t have the luxury of waiting it out. If I have a heart attack or stroke there is no one to get me help.
I have experienced many health issues in my life. But this is the first time-to experience it so completely alone. I no longer have a husband and daughter to take care of me. My friends do not live nearby. My family is 1000 miles away. You don’t realize how much one needs the village until they are not close enough to help.
It had never occurred to me- how incredibly difficult it is for single people to deal with being severely ill. It is difficult for anyone. I had never thought of the extra challenges and fears single people face- when dealing with serious health issues.
I do have an amazing family and wonderful friends- but I know that I do need to be closer to my support system. Who would have thought at 51, I would be realizing that I can’t deal with this alone anymore. My Mom is 81 and had to move closer to family earlier this year for the same reason.
I sometimes have a pity party- this isn’t fair! It may not be fair. But if my life has taught me anything- it is that life is never fair. I have discovered after a couple of days of crying – one snaps out of it and is better able to cope.
Who knows maybe next week I will have a miraculous recovery! Regardless, I know that changes are in my future.